by Mackenzie Portfolio

It’s been a while since I’ve put pen to paper… er fingers to keys.  Being left-handed pen to paper usually results in a lot of smudging. Regardless, I've been itching to write for quite some time, but I keep coming up with excuses.  For one thing there’s my six hour daily work commute, on top of a ten hour work day and getting a “restful” four - five hours of sleep a night.  And while all of that is true and is as exhausting as it sounds, there's another reason that I've been unable to get out a review of a comic, commentary about a movie, or report on the latest video game announcement.  No, it’s not because I’ve been spending my free time earning three stars in every level of Mario Kart 8.  It’s actually this thought that's been lingering in the back of my mind. This kind of nagging voice that I hear every time I feel motivated to express my thoughts. The idea that I know isn’t true, but inevitably give into and think to myself, “Yeah, you’re probably right, I just shouldn’t.”  That voice that convinces me that my opinion, whatever it may be, is wrong.

Well now you might be saying, “Mackenzie that's ridiculous! Everyone is entitled to their opinion.” And you would be correct! But not without cost.  Well ok, for $9.99 you technically could buy a domain name, start a WordPress and blog about whatever opinions you have on any given topic.  In all seriousness, what I really mean is that being a female who is interested in all things nerdy can often attract negative attention.  The fact that I’m a girl who is obsessed with nerd culture lends itself to trolls wondering, “Why is this girl writing about this? What could she possibly know?”, “Oh, she must be a feminist”, or the flip side, “How could she ever say such things, she's a woman and should be representing us better!” That seems like an awful lot of pressure for someone who just wants to blog about nerdy news during her commute home from work.

But really, in the great scheme of things concerning the news in our world, my interests in superheroes and graphic novels pale in comparison.  At the same time though, my interests are important to me, and important to this wonderful nerdy community (at least some of them, I think) that I am a part of.  So really, what do I have to worry about? If we take a look at what just some of the women within the community have faced this past year you might begin to understand where some of my hesitations stem from.

This past summer an online movement that became known as Gamergate shook the gaming and Twitter community.  I won’t address every detail about what Gamergate stands for (or doesn’t) in this post because it can be incredibly convoluted.  However, I would like to bring attention to just some of the instances brought on by some members of Gamergate that has motivated me to begin writing again.  

Let’s start with Zoe Quinn; a video game developer, who had already been facing some criticism with her game Depression Quest, then became a target of online harassment. Initially her ex Eron Gjoni created a blog post accusing Quinn of cheating on him with several men who also work in gaming world (thezoepost.wordpress.com). This spread like wildfire over the interwebs and some members of the gaming community deduced she slept with men for positive reviews of her games. Shortly thereafter a group of “activists” decided to make it their mission to destroy Quinn’s life, literally.  And I know nowadays when someone says literally they don’t actually mean literally, but this is one of those instances where I mean some gamers wanted to LITERALLY destroy Quinn’s life.  You can take a peak for yourself in chat logs that were released that prove the threats against Quinn were a planned attack (http://archive.today/Ler4O).  Some of the gems from the chat log includes:

Aug 21 17.48.51 <OtherGentleman> She can't even into

depression. What makes you think she has the balls to

kill herself?

Aug 21 17.48.57 <Opfag> I kind of want to just make her

life irrepairably horrible

Aug 21 17.49.16 <NASA_Agent> but what if she suicides

Aug 21 17.49.24 <Opfag> Good.

Aug 21 17.49.29 <Opfag> Then we get to troll #Rememberzoe

Quinn’s address, number, and private photos were circulated around the internet and the harassment was so bad she was forced to leave her home, fearing someone would follow through on their threats.   The attacks on Quinn were an integral part of what sparked the Gamergate movement.  While a percentage of the Gamergate activists insist they stand for proper ethics in gaming journalism, another percentage have made their focus on harassing women like Quinn within the community.  So here’s the thing; cheating on your boyfriend, NOT cool. But does that warrant someone to be harassed to the point that they have to leave their home, risk being pushed out of their career, and fear for their safety? If the tables were turned and an ex-girlfriend created a blog about her ex-game developer-boyfriend cheating on her would we see the same results?  And why should what someone does on their own time be called into question, particularly when we’re talking gaming? I just care about playing the game I don’t care who the developer slept with (unless he’s a Nathan Drake look-a-like, then I want some deets).

The logistics of the Gamergate controversy aside, it didn’t stop with Zoe Quinn.  Anita Sarkeesian who hosts the vlog Feminist Frequency identifies as a nerd herself enjoying comics, video games, and the like.  She explores the roles that female characters play in video games with her “Tropes vs. Women” series, essentially calling for a dialogue that female characters should be diversified.  That doesn’t sound so terrible, does it? Well to some it’s going too far and they’ve taken to harassing her to the point where she too was driven from her home.  She even had to cancel a speaking engagement at Utah State University after someone threatened a mass shooting if she attended.  And that is a threat you simply can’t take lightly nowadays.  And for what? Because she critiques the portrayal of female characters in video games?  I’m not confident that warrants a mass shooting threat. Wouldn’t it be easier to just not watch her videos if you didn’t like her message?

Then there’s Brianna Wu; another female game developer driven from her home during the onslaught of the Gamergate scandal.  Her offense?  She dared to post a meme on her Twitter account poking fun at the “Oppressed Gamergater”(https://twitter.com/spacekatgal/status/520282355567964160) and the threats came pouring in. “I’ve got a K-Bar and I’m coming to your house so I can shove it up your ugly feminist cunt,” declared one Tweeter.  The audacity of Wu, right?  According to an interview with The Guardian in October of last year, Briana is quoted as saying:

“Right now, the result of #gamergate is this: Every woman I know in the industry is scared. Many have thought about quitting.”  She later went on to say “The most terrifying outcome from this would be if this becomes the new normal for women in this industry.”

Wu continues to face harassment and there are even those who think she’s made the whole thing up and that she in fact sent the threats to herself.  I can’t say for certain that she did or did not send herself threats but I can say that I don’t know any woman who would go out of their way to set themselves, and the women in this community that they represent, back so many steps by doing that. And even if she did make it up…why does it make all the other threats against her ok?

Now Quinn, Sarkeesian, and Wu have made a name for themselves and are in the public eye so one could argue that they subject themselves to such cruelties because it simply comes with the territory of their work.  But what about me, someone who's just starting out?  Between what I've seen happen to some of the women within the community and what I conjure up in my wildly dramatic imagination, I’ve prepped myself for the worst. Even some of my personal experiences have cued the hesitations I’ve felt.  Quite frankly, using a headset while gaming is like a box of chocolates…you never know what you’re going to get. For me it usually entails adolescent males crying that girls don't play video games, even though I, a girl, am playing right beside them, thus proving them wrong. Then there are times when gamers mistake my higher pitched voice for that of a prepubescent male (burn). Once they realize I am in fact a girl it usually goes one of two ways. "Oh cool.  So wanna do a mission?" Or… it goes from 0 - Rapey real quick.  

Just one example from a player in the winter of 2013, after realizing I was 1) a girl and 2) not really feeling his verbal harassment wrote me several threatening private messages. One of them stated, “u know what kiss my mothetfucking hairy swetty shity stinky ass and suck my mothetfucking hairy swetty juicy cock u goddame sluty ass bitch fuck u...” As inviting as that all sounds I chose to not accept his offer. What I'm driving at is this is what happens when I simply use my voice to say “Hey guys” in an online video game. So what happens when I start getting into writing?  

Well hopefully nothing happens outside of people enjoying what I cover.  Wu said she’s concerned that women within the gaming community have thought about quitting.  Even I’ve thought about quitting before I’ve even started.  Now if I applied that same behavior to a game where I’m stuck on that one boss I can’t beat I’d never know what happens next (I’m looking at you Ninth Colossus!).  My purpose for this post is to get this all out of the way now, so that I can feel free to write without worrying about if my opinion will set someone off or if a feminist group will critique me. This is simply a personal piece to bring attention to my thoughts about being a female in nerdy subculture. This is not the piece where I call for action, provide solutions, or go in depth about why women are harassed in gaming, comic shops, cosplay, etc. Harassment towards women within the gaming community doesn’t happen all the time, and it’s not every gamer out there perpetuating it…but it’s happened enough for me to have felt the need to be cautious. Regardless, I love gaming. I love comics. I love superhero flicks. I love all things nerdy! And because of that I’ve decided I’m not ready to let a few bad eggs ruin this for me. I’m not going to be concerned if my opinion of a game is wrong, or if someone doesn’t agree with my review of a film.  At the end of the day I just love nerdy things, and I want to feel free to share that with everyone through my writing.  That’s all.